


Guilt; No Longer

by yutakoball



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, M/M, est yuwin tho heh, yujae break up au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-27
Updated: 2018-12-27
Packaged: 2019-09-28 14:04:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,247
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17184395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yutakoball/pseuds/yutakoball
Summary: Jaehyun reevaluates his decisions of ending his relationship with Yuta, though knowing it's for the best, still can't help but feel guilty for the way things worked out.Part 2 of yujae breakup au.





	Guilt; No Longer

**Author's Note:**

> part 2 to my first yujae au. this will be in jaehyun's pov of the relationship. you will need to read part 1 for context's sake but hey i can't force you to do anyth lmao :') i hope you enjoy! 
> 
> here's part 1:  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/17184050

I took my seat in the empty café and stared a blank stare at the table in front of me; the feeling of self-loathe growing in the pits of my stomach like a parasite. It has been about a few months since it happened. I hadn’t gone out alone since then, letting myself rot at home engulfed in an overwhelming amount of emotions.

Now that I found myself here, it’s no wonder why I feel as though my heart and feet had completely betrayed me.

My eyes slowly moved its target to the empty seat in front of me, where he used to sit. A heavy sigh left my lips, now the ivory green of self-loath settling in my stomach is accompanied by the feelings of shame and hurt taking me over completely. Somehow, for the first time in months, I found myself back in this café sitting at the exact spot we used to love.

Yes, it’s the same spot when I first confessed to him and the last time I left with no explanation, discarding the 4 year relationship aside like useless trash.

I leaned back against my chair feeling a hundred million thorns pierced through my heart as my brain relives the last few moments of us being together when I inevitably broke his heart. I closed my eyes, letting my brain replay the exact scene like a broken record that's constantly trying to tear my dignity away and humiliate my soul to the demons within me like it's a free show.

_"I can't do this. This, us, isn't working. I'm sorry." I remembered starting off, voice a bit shaky as your eyes were looking at nothing else but my own._

_"What do you mea-"_

_"We can't do this anymore. We're not happy. Face it. This is where the entire relationship hits rock bottom, there's no point in saving it. I'm sorry."_

And with that, I left.

A pit of anger, guilt and shame lies within me stronger than ever. I never intended to leave with an open end to the relationship because the reason for me to do so is not that of us being too far from saving. It’s mostly because I weighted the relationship so far down; it was only fair for me to leave because he deserved so much more.

I don’t deserve him. I never had.

I admit that leaving the way I did was a dick move, and the aftermath of the decision came to bite me back in the ass. Ever since then, all I had in my mind was nothing but him. He filled my days with colour, the hours spent became timeless for us and the love that was emitted from every hug and every kiss became evident that what we had was not just a faded imagination, it was very much real.

Loving him became my habit.

But as it cheesy and cliché as it sounds, where we went wrong was never his fault. It has always been mine, constantly feeling that I’m not enough. And because of that, I was bringing the relationship into flames and with that, I felt so guilty because he never needed to suffer because of me. I didn’t want to pull him down with me. He was always so selfless, so caring. He constantly prioritised me before him and it was evident from the bags under his eyes became darker from the countless sleepless nights he spent calling me to the silent crying sessions he has after he thinks I fell asleep when I would stay over his, were enough to tell me that it has to end.

My fingers tightened around my cup of coffee as I began to remember the countless times I imagined him to be heartbroken after the incident. His stubborn, determined self becoming desperate to search for answers that I know will never be answered. How my heart shattered at the mere thought of it that prompted me many times to reply his thousands of texts and answer all his calls that were never returned because of the guilt.

_Unknown: jae, please, answer me._

_Unknown: we can talk this out, tell me what i’ve been doing wrong_

_Unknown: jae. i know you see these. i’ll do better i promise just talk to me, please._

_Unknown: explain to me, i just need to know why. please._

I put the hoodie of my black jacket up and put my mask on to hold the inevitable tears that started to well up in my eyes as I recalled the time these texts of confusion and hurt turn into anger. As each text pop into my notification, the guilt in me just grows stronger and I began to think about him once more.

_Unknown: it’s that easy for you huh. to just let go of us_

_Unknown: i honestly don’t know what i was expecting, but it was definitely more than just this._

_Unknown: i’m not even gonna try anymore. i hope you’re happy. this will be the end._

_Unknown: goodbye, jaehyun._

_Me: yuta, i’m so sorry._

_Unknown: You can no longer send messages to this number._

These are the same words that constantly circulate my mind the second I wake up to the moment I fell asleep. It happened very frequently, to the point it started to become a daily routine for me. Or to be more precise, just like loving him, it became a habit. I knew I could never bring myself to tell him, knowing that he doesn’t need someone like me to burden his life nor tell him that I’m doing this for him, knowing that he will only benefit for not having me in his life.

With that, I grabbed my stuff and headed for the exit of the café, trying my very best to ignore the tears glossing over my eyes. Enough was enough, I needed to get out of the place. I’ve tortured myself enough and convinced myself that he is fine without me, without knowing the exact answer as to why we didn’t last. But I know that won’t happen until I physically see him moved on.

As if on cue, I bumped into someone of smaller stature and I wanted to apologise until my eyes were met with the once familiar warm brown eyes. The same brown eyes filled with so much love that never fails to drive me absolutely crazy, the same brown eyes that pained for me to see when I left. We stared at each other for a bit before a voice broke our little moment.

“Hey, is everything okay?”

I turned to find a young good looking man around my age walking over to where we were and gently wrapped an arm around his waist. He was wearing a uniform, assuming from the logo on his shirt he’s an employee from the flower shop across the street. The nametag on his shirt shine brightly as all three of us stood near the entrance, the late evening sun gently hit their beautiful skins ever so gracefully.

**_Sicheng_ **

So that’s his name.

I bowed my head apologetically without saying anything and began to make my way home, leaving them as soon as I had the chance. Numbness filled my body to the brim as my mind went blank as it slowly came into terms with reality.

He no longer needed me, the liability in his life.

He’s moved on.

He’s happy.

_And that’s all that matters._


End file.
